And Then There Are Train Wrecks

Despite our best intentions with our little Miracles of God's Creation (our kids), sometimes things do not go according to plan...or at least not to 'our plan'. Just after lauding the praises of fatherhood last night, I guess it was apropos that Shayla's little play-date scheduled today was not set to be a smooth success. Oh well. It's bound to happen. After all, as the other little girl's mother exclaimed to me afterwards, "They ARE girls, you know. Frankly, I'm surprised that they hadn't had a sour experience before now. This Is our fourth play-date already; I guess we were due for an event of some kind."

Today, one of the girls was moody and sensitive while the other was cold, a little removed and bossy. Wow, I thought, there's some serious relationship material in here--for the big people! The one who was excessively sensitive was also crying a fair amount of the time. We tried to moderate a little, but also give them the space to work it out. We thought that it might pass as the time went on, which most of the time seems to happen with kids, but today the mood seemed to stick . So we gave them about half an hour of the two hour allotment to sort it out, after which we stepped in and cut it short. Ce La Vie. We'll get them together again later in the week. It was sad, but funny too and so true to life. I think it's good to see the wisp of humor in the mundane. For me, it keeps me going, and it might even keep me a little sane-er than I'd otherwise be.


Most days are sunny, but ocassionally there are rain storms, and that's alright......just like it is. Girls will be girls and boys will be boys. As parents, our job is just to love 'em and roll with it.

Socialization In Motion

I have to say that it feels so good to be meeting our child's social needs. I think some background could prove helpful here to anyone reading this post, so here's my attempt to give you a little context. Christina and I have a four and a half (almost) year old daughter who could be described as a true social bug. She simply hankers for that social connection with other little beings of her kind. Don't all children, you may ask yourself? I would have to say "no, not necessarily", perhaps most, but certainly not all, or maybe not to the degree that she seems to. I am sure that there is a wide berth on individual children's actual need for companionship with other children. Multi-child households already have this issue well under wraps on the domestic front at the outset, even if said children prefer 'outside company' to supplement their domestic configuration. Those of us with single child families have to regularly orchestrate the particulars of situations that emulate what others may well wake up with naturally everyday--siblings. Yes, we know of the 'natural' biological solution to this issue, and we have decided to--Ahem!--not 'go there'. So, in light of this, we have decided to fill in by proxy, and are more than happy to put in the requisite effort, as it were. (Big smile) ...Onward...

As parents of an only child, I would say that we have tried to be fairly diligent in providing our child with as many actualized play-dates as we can reasonably arrange, but believe it or not these actually take a fair amount of effort and planning. I am a stay-at-home dad, so I have the additional weight of making sure that these little events come to fruition on a regular, routine, planned schedule of expectation. I don't have the back-up of 'daycare socialization'--no matter how crude that can sometimes be-- and my child is not in Pre-K at this time. We are planning to enroll her in a partial day program in the Fall. With other parents and their itineraries in addition to our own, there are layers of schedules that have to line-up-just-so in order for these little meetings to successfully materialize into real play time. That being laid out, we have had many false starts along our journey of parenting naiveté that have taught us many lessons. Now, we have really come to appreciate when these play-dates and play-mates are compatible and realistically, actually do work out with the resultant mutual ease, benefit and joy to all parties involved. It's a real celebration for the parents as well as the kids when all the scheduling and personality minutiae line up and flow in the same direction.

It really makes me happy as a dad to see the sheer joy and pleasure that my daughter gets out of building friendships, good friendships with her peers. It gives me the warm fuzzies, which.......I am really starting to groove on. Besides, it has the added benefit of making me feel like I am doing the right thing by her, which, as a father, is at the top of my list. I know that I am a good dad, but feeling it is crucial too. Fathers need that. I need that. This kind of stuff is like Mana for my Soul, and for me, it doesn't get much better than that: those moments of the realized goodness of being able to be a dad to another human being, a good dad. To help them and care for them, without any direct knowledge on their part, so that they might be happy and helped to have a good life....... Well, that feels really good....from my bones on out.

Gems of Discovery from a New Father

When I sit back and take stock of all that I have learned in this short time since I have been a dad, there are a few things that rise to the surface for me as a father that help me more as a human being than anything else will have single-handedly ever come close to. For me, they are tools of personal survival that have done nothing less than enrich my life. Granted, there are many ways that people will come by these basic concepts of human behavior and survival, but for me that little 4+ year old miracle of human evolution has gift wrapped them and set them at the doorstep of my own self-help process to make me a more capable and well rounded adult. While it is true that some of these may not seem related to parenting and raising children, I will tell you that it is all related and that there is nothing that this living process does not touch. Being a parent is teaching me that all things are included here; you cannot subdivide, as it were, and neatly parcel out the sections of your life that you want to 'include' and keep nicely to the side those things that you would rather not be part of the whole package. It doesn't work like that. Everything comes into play and gets worked on in the adult lives of those who would be called 'Parents'. If you say "yes" to the process of raising offspring, then the door for self work and self growth is now wide OPEN, and maybe you realized that beforehand and maybe not. Either way, that door will never close. We are not talking about 'static' objects here, but rather alive, dynamic, learning and growing human beings who's lives will forever be intertwined with your's. You will care for, love, and guide them, and through that process, they will also help you to become a better person despite yourself, whether or not you are aware that that is exactly what is also happening. It's quite a beautiful arrangement. It's tough at times, but so perfect in it's design.

For me, a few experience-induced ponderings have crystalized as the following. There are many others, enough to fill books, but here are a few staring me in the face that just sloughed themselves off from the top of my head:

1. Your responsibility is to your kids and family First, everything else comes After that--No exceptions. Family forces you to create a hierarchy in your life. This is something that can default to a certain internal timidity before having kids and not be naturally developed and perhaps even atrophied slightly, but after you have kids, it's a no-brainer.

2. It doesn't matter what people think of you; they usually do anyway.

This, for me, has never been more apropos than after having a child. I had always felt that what others thought about me was really none of my business. Actually,.......I didn't always feel that way, but it came more to the fore of my developing sense of self as I was moving through my late 30s, only then to further develop and be crowned through the experience of having a child of my own. Certain 'lines in the sand' of human behavior are actually lines in the squiggles and curves of the DNA strands that get highlighted to life through the biology of parenthood (: fatherhood and motherhood, with roles particular to each). This is, of course, primarily to protect the species and by implication, the family, but also it has the added benefit that can come to all those contemplative sophists out there who are want to gaze into the rivers of life's meaning. As I've seen in my little experiential glimpse into the universe of parenthood thus far, I can already say that this is a microcosm of the macrocosm and I know with complete certainty that I shall never, Never come up dry. These things that apply to the physical process (of parenting) are also pointing to that much grander and open-ended invitation for self growth, and what starts out as a primordial drive to protect you and your's can also expand into your own personal cornucopia of inner wisdoms and proverbs (or simply, just to validate those that are already written in the annals of Human experience).
3. Self-Love is the Currency of Truth
Love is the be-all and end-all. It is where we start out and where we wind up. To me, it is the ultimate Truth. It doesn't matter whether our lives are wracked with tumultuous patterns of drama, stormy and thunderous weather, and near misses or whether our existence is filled with none other than sunny skies, and pleasant Spring days. Most likely we live a combination of both. What can make all the difference is whether we have that deep sense of love underneath it all. We must still, if we wish to retain our sanity in some semblance thereof, love ourselves through all the undulations of our lives. We can be to ourselves that unconditional love that we so yearn for, and by it's radiant effects, to our offspring, our family, our friends, and our associates. Any parent can tell you that the process of being one will take you through your paces...and then a little. It's a hard job and the critics can come out of the woodwork to have a say, but at the end of the day, and some days are better than others, it's your core love for yourself that can help you make it through. It's this love that carries you through your imperfections, that puts the salve on your wounds, that nourishes you back to health, that gives you something to stand on when your rational mind is all of sudden an empty sieve or worse, your vehement accuser. Yes, having a child is teaching me this in real time--showing me this in real life! If this kind of love is in your corner, you will be buoyed through the 'ups' and 'downs' of your life. This love 'loves you' no matter what and that narrows it down tremendously. All of a sudden, there is only one kind of love that we could be talking about here: love from the Source. We all have access to it and yet it is something that we easily forget about. We have it already inside ourselves, carrying it with us constantly. It is our children who often are supple enough in their youth to be the reflectors, the conductors to us of this force that is so powerful and so ancient and so a part of who we are that we perhaps miss the magnitude of it in our day to day lives. It is the children who bring it back, and for that, I am thankful. It inspires a silence in me, a reverence for the beauty of innocence, and an awe in the Truth that the children are the Key Holders for many things that we have guilelessly forgotten.
Raising a child continues to be a incredible boon to my own personal evolutionary growth and development as an adult and as a dad. It's really amazing. I never imagined it to be so beautiful, and of course, I am delighted that it is.